Written by SAORI CATERINA | March 13, 2023
The book in 3 sentences ✨
The Courage to Be Disliked is a self-help book based on Adlerian psychology. It teaches you how to live freely, develop self-worth, and find meaning in life.
The book is written in the form of a conversation between a philosopher and a young man who, throughout five nights, gets clarity on fundamental questions of life.
What I learned ✨
Feeling of inferiority vs inferiority complex
There is a clear distinction between feeling inferior and having an inferiority complex.
While, in principle, there is nothing wrong with feeling inferior, having an inferiority complex is always harmful.
A healthy feeling of inferiority comes from comparing yourself to your ideal self – not to other people – and it can motivate you to strive to become better and grow.
An inferiority complex refers to a condition where you start using your feeling of inferiority as a kind of excuse (e.g., I can’t do this because I’m more stupid than other people), which harms you by leaving you stuck in life.
The the importance of community
Community is fundamental for our well being because it is strictly linked to the concepts of courage and self-worth.
As Adler believed, in fact, people gain the courage to live freely & happy when they feel worthy, which happens when they feel beneficial to the community.
In other words, self-worth comes from feeling use to someone else.
The danger of praising people
When you praise someone, you’re somehow talking down to them. This way, you can lead a him/her to create the belief that he/she has not ability.
Indeed, Adlerian psychology states that praise includes “the passing of judgement by a person of ability on a person of no ability”.
Therefore, instead of praising, one should express gratitude instead. In contrast to praise, it will make a person feel like he/she made a contribution, increasing his/her sense of self-worth.
Vertical vs horizontal relationships
The last Adlerian concept that I learned from The Courage to Be Disliked is that one can see relationships only in 2 ways: vertically or horizontally.
- Vertical relationships include an element of hierarchy. Praise and judgement are words that come out of vertical relationships.
- Horizontal relationships are non-hierarchical, and in them the parties acknowledge that each person is different but equal. Within this type of relationships, people express words of gratitude, respect, and joy.
Adlerian psychology refutes all types of vertical relationships and suggests that we should aim to only have horizontal relationshps. in our lives
Quick notes ✨
- If someone dislikes you, it means you’re living free. Why? Because if everyone likes you, it means that you’re probably adapting your behavior to be liked, which means that you’re restraining yourself
- Community feeling is about having a sense of others as comrades and knowing you can find your own refuge in it
- Value is something that is based on a social context
- Based on Adlerian psychology, emotions can be seen as a tool we use to achieve a certain goal
My favorite 3 quotes ✨
“When one can think, whenever I am with this person, I can behave freely, one can really feel love. One can be in a calm and quite natural state, without having feelings of inferiority or being beset with the need to flaunt one’s supriority.” (p. 97)
Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
“When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives.” (p. 116)
Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
“Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgement from another person as “good”. And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person’s yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that persons’ yardstick and put breakes on one’s own freedom. “Thank you”, on the other hand, rather than being judgement, is a clear expression of gratitude. When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribvution to another peron. (p. 188)
Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
I hope that you enjoyed my book notes from The Courage to Be Disliked ✨
Did you learn anything new? Is there any concept you don’t agree on? Let’s discuss in the comments!
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- Summary of the 4 Agreements
- Level up your life with this journaling exercise
- 6 Steps for Success in Life